Sex and initiation in married life

WARNING! Srila Prabhupada is talking here about pure devotional service. Such service may happen in this world nowadays, but it is very rare. So, don't be discouraged if the woman or the man are lost, but they're not going to hell. Don't imagine a catastrophic scenario. Still, they can be accepted by the Lord and the Vaisnavas community as a beautiful couple, because they love Krishna. (This is our philosophy.)

"Therefore, the husband should be a first-class devotee, and the woman should be devoted to the husband, faithfully. This way, she would help the husband to make progress in Kṛṣṇa consciousness. Then, they become successful. Otherwise, if the husband simply becomes captivated by the charming beauty of the woman and engages himself in sex life, he is lost. And the woman, being less intelligent, unless she is guided by a proper husband, her life is also lost."

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They say we have to be honest and tell the truth. So, I did that. I got initiated and rigidly followed the brahmacari rule for height years. When I got married, things started to mess up, but with my wife we struggled to follow the rules and regulations as we could. It was not easy... (They say that Arabs have hot blood, and it's not a good birth, according to Vedic view.) Anyway, I am giving more details below. I just want to reference Prabhupada, here, so you understand the meaning for husband and wife to be honest and truthful. It's from the same lecture I commented on, regarding the SB's verse (1.3.17.)* There, Srila Prabhupada speaks on Mohini's incarnation. I summarize his talk on the subject:

— The fact is that a wife is not accepted for sex satisfaction, a grihasta should not be attracted to her. No. Dharma-patnī means a religious wife. In the grihastha-ashram, husband and wife should execute religious life, spiritual cultivation. That is the purpose of becoming a householder. Not that I become attracted by the wife and become absorbed in sex relation, forgetting my real duty, Kṛṣṇa consciousness. That is dangerous. So generally, if one's wife becomes very beautiful, one forgets his real duty, Kṛṣṇa consciousness, and he simply becomes a pet servant of the wife. 

Therefore, continues Srila Prabhupada, Rūpa Gosvāmī says one should not be attracted to sex life. But does it mean that the husband will not have sex? No. Yathārham: as it is required. As it required means sex life should be performed only for begetting a Kṛṣṇa conscious child. Nothing more. No more attraction. That life is better. That life means not only better; that is the ideal life. Wife and husband, combination, both should make progress in Kṛṣṇa consciousness.

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Someone published this picture on Facebook. 

What is clearly mentioned, here, should be said before initiation. It was never the case. 40 years ago, I recall, just before initiation, after months of giving up on sex with great difficulties (we were so much in love), we fell. I wrote a letter to Satsvarupa, my godbrother, explaining to him what had happened and that we were very sorry. He replied, in accordance with Srila Prabhupada's teachings, that there will be no initiation for her. It was fair.** So, for 40 years, although she is a devotee in heart and soul, she is not initiated. It says a lot about our practical Vaishnava philosophy that the community around the world must live with. 

Now, several decades later, in 2022, some are posting this kind of quote you read here, below, about Prabhupada telling devotees that sex life between husband and wife is normal, there is nothing to worry too much about.*** Of course, it is better to avoid it, if possible, when your fantastic determination is to focus on becoming a pure devotee. (That's the goal, is it not?)

This psychology is not found in Prabhupada's books; we couldn't read it and no one told us about this weird situation so that we don't become hypocrites. When we took initiation, we promised to have sex only for procreation. This strict conformist is all over Prabhupada's books. We believed it was possible. 

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* I will put the link here, when I'll publish it.

** Satsvarupa fell due to sex later in life and had to dress in white.

*In the comments section you can read a bunch of these quotes.

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Then, someone published these quotes on the comments section of my page.

From Uttamasloka dasa 
When Srila Prabhupada was personally questioned about this he was on one level uncompromising but on another level he was understanding. At one time there was a devotee who came to Mayapur and then while in Mayapur that devotee went to some local society girl over there, and the news spread among the devotee community and then they told Prabhupada. 

And then Prabhupada called the devotee and Prabhupada asked him, “Why did you do that?” He said, “I couldn’t control myself. I was too much tormented by lust.” And Prabhupada said, “But you are married! Why did you have to go to a prostitute!?” 

He said, “No Prabhupada, my wife wanted to follow the principle of no illicit sex so she refused and I didn’t want to force her.” So Prabhupada said that actually the violation within marriage is extremely minor as compared to what is outside of marriage. So Srila Prabhupada was actually very clear about this.

Another devotee was told by his godsister that she had left her husband and when Prabhupada asked her why she explained that it was because he was in maya and always wanted to have sex. Srila Prabhupada asked, "And you cannot satisfy?"

Srila Prabhupada: ”So sex life is not forbidden in this movement but hypocrisy is forbidden. If you become hypocrite, then there is no (indistinct). That is Caitanya Mahāprabhu's teaching. Choṭa Haridāsa, he represented himself as a brahmacārī and he was looking after a young woman. Then He understood, "He is a hypocrite. Reject him." Lecture, Srimad-Bhagavatam, Honolulu, May 22, 1976

Once in Mayapur, Bhavananda went to Prabhupada with a complaint, "Srila Prabhupada, the grhastas are having sex more than once a month”. Prabhupada ignored him. Minutes went by, again Bhavananda spoke, but this time Prabhupada cut him off with his sharp reply, "Why do you think I told them to get married?" (you can get the words verbatim from Bhavananda)

Again in Mayapur, on the roof. One devotee was asking Prabhupada about the difficulty he was facing in following this strict principle about sex life. Srila Prabhupada responded, ”Sex between husband and wife is never sinful, but it will not help their spiritual life".

Tamala Krsna: In America, supposing a householder family pays for a room in our temple building. So they can have their sex life and family life?

Prabhupada: If they can pay for prasadam also, it is nice. Sex... Husband-wife living, there must be sex, so who can...?

Tamala Krsna: So how can that be in the same building as the brahmacari asrama?

Prabhupada: No, no, no, so many other grhastha tenants.

Tamala Krsna: That's in, like, Hare Krsna Land in Bombay. But supposing in a...

Prabhupada: That you cannot check. Grhastha means they must have sex. But they're living independent, separately.

— Room Conversation about Grhasthas -- July 17, 1977, Vrndavana

Letter to: Hayagriva, February 20th, 1969:

"In answer to your questions concerning sex life: sex life restriction does not mean that husband and wife live separately. The idea of marriage is to increase spiritual consciousness as far as possible. And by advancement of Krishna Consciousness that restriction becomes automatically practical. Sex life for begetting Krishna Conscious children is as good as Krishna Consciousness. This is confirmed in Bhagavad-gita so one has to use his own discretion in this matter and Krishna will help such discriminatory method. 

It is not that in every state you have to concern me but you have to concern Krishna Who is situated within. On the whole, sex life, like that of ordinary materialistic men, is not recommended for a Krishna Conscious person. My Guru Maharaja although he was Brahmacari, sometimes he used to say that if I could beget Krishna Conscious children I am prepared to indulge in sex life a hundred times. The summary is sex life should be utilized only for begetting Krishna Conscious children—that's all.”

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